Monday, July 20, 2009

When The Riots Began

American society was just going down the dumper. Everything was spiraling out of the control. But hey...it made for some exciting radio! One instance that comes to mind are the Missouri Southern State University riots...


Mack Man: Welcome back to the Mack Man and Ceri show.

Ceri: Hello!

Mack Man: Our own Jennifer Chrisman is in the field, reporting live on the riots at Missouri Southern.

Ceri: Jen! Are you there!

Jen: (audio recording reveals that Jen is literally shouting over the noise of sirens, what sounds like gunshots, some explosions and people screaming and shouting) Ceri! I’m here on the campus of Missouri Southern State University, where the riots are in full swing! (sound of a helicopter gunship flying low overhead) You’ve never seen such a commotion!

Mack Man:
Why is this happening?

Ceri: What happened to spark these riots??

Jen: Believe it or not, it started in an economics class!

Mack Man: What??

Jen: Yes! Dr. Duane Britski, of the University’s Economics Department, conducted an experiment to see if socialism works. With me now is Dr. Britski. Good morning!

Britski: Good morning, Jennifer! I have to admit that flak jacket and helmet look good on you!

Jen: Well, thank you, Dr. Britski. I thought they were a little large on me, but the accessories seem to be working.

Britski: Indeed they are! (a loud explosion is heard)

Mack Man: Hey! Forget the fashion show!! What in tarnation started this riot??

Jen: Oh, yeah. Sorry. So what was it you did, Dr. Britski, that started the riot?

Britski: Well, Ceri, I was trying to teach the class the basic elements of Capitalism, but I was getting a lot of flack from the students.

Jen: Flack? What, they don’t like Capitalism?

Britski: No! They insisted that Socialism was the wave of the future. No rich, no poor, everyone the same it would be the great equalizer of society.

Jen: So what did you do?

Britski: I said, Okey dokey, we will have an experiment that I call “Obama’s Plan.” What we did was we averaged everyone’s grade.

Jen: What? You averaged everyone’s grade??

Britski: Yes, everyone got the same grade. We averaged it, so no one would get an “A” but also no one would fail.

Jen: So what happened?

Britski: So we had the first test, and all the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

Jen: So I’ll bet everyone was happy about that!

Britski:
Well, to tell the truth the students who hit the books and studied hard were, well, kinda upset while the students who sluffed it off and studied very little were quite happy. Jen: So what happened next?
Britski: Well, so here comes the second test. The students who had studied little, studied even less this time and the ones who had studied hard decided it was time for their free ride so they studied little and everyone got a D! Nobody was happy! (the audio tape has the sound of a helicopter flying close overhead) So when the when the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

Jen: Whoa!

Britski: The scores never increased as the bickering, the blaming, the name-calling and finger pointing all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. I flunked the whole dang class. I told them that’s how their precious socialism works: it punishes those who work and redistributes their wealth to the lazy and undeserving. And that’s when the riots began...

Chrisman, Jennifer Mack Man and Ceri: the Radio Show That Saved Humanity. New York: Random House, 2031

No comments:

Post a Comment